Know Thyself...

Positive Reviews, Day Three + Four

2009-12-11T03:33:26Z

“Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.”
-Oprah Winfrey

Gotta love Oprah.

Anyway, I am so sorry about the delay in reviews. I got caught up my newest fanfic, The Mystery Of Me. And by the time I realized that I was supposed be posting the days reviews, it was midnight.

But I sat myself down today and worked on it. And now, for the next batch.

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A Mewtwo Far by shadowlugia249

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3073807/1/A_Mewtwo_Far

Oh wow, what a nightmarish scenario. It certainly did seem that Mewtwo had both the motivation and means to do something like this. How horrible. Kinda makes the giant storm seem like a cop out.

Anyway, someone recommended that I read and review some of your work. Even though I’ll be honest when I say that I’m not so much for the pokemon transforming into pokemon bits. This story kinda proves my point. It’s really gruesome! Gah blah blah gah!

Anyway, this story is still very well written. The title seems to allude to something, but its still unclear. I’m not sure if it’s just a reference I’ve not heard of, or if the Mewtwo bit is distracting me.

However, this story does remind me a lot of the infamous Metamorphosis short story. Where a man turns into a giant cockroach and all he can think about is that he won’t be able to make it into work that day. The narrator in this story too, seems to be instantly sedated whenever he should be panicking. If Mewtwo were able to calm him down, I’d like to see how he’s able to do so. Sending him comforting images of his family? Childhood? Speaking in his mother’s voice? I just doubt that if a voice in my head suddenly said Be calm, that I’d be anywhere close to that feeling.

I understand this story was written quite some time ago so I’m not going to point out any grammar or spelling- as it looks like that the majority of the errors are just typos anyway. Completely forgivable in my book anyway.

I like the idea, even if it is a bit tragic. And the descriptions of Mewtwo are well done.

I just feel that if this man were an outdoorsmen, I’d be able to tell more from the way he speaks and acts. I’d expect he’d tell us all about the locally named Hell’s hole, why the locals named it that and what it was really. Made from geysers or an old well. Something like that. And I’d imagine he’d have a whole lot of explanation for what Mewtwo could possibly be a cross of or not.

I do have a few issues with some things. One being that the opening is a bit too staged. We should probably just start with him confronting Mewtwo in the caves. Everything else is just back story that can be filled in later. Or maybe start with him sharing a drink at the bar with some locals who claim that Satan was spotted in Hell’s cave. And how the outdoorsman doubts Satan exists. Iunno, really it’s your call. But this beginning just irks me in its blandness. You could do so much better. And the rest of the story proves that.

Aren’t poachers just hunters that hunt in areas that hunting isn’t allowed? Cause I understand they basically hunt illegally period. But I’m pretty sure that poachers don’t normally hunt in hunting territory. Or why would they bother to be a poacher? I could be totally off with that though. I know next to nothing about the sport.

Going to the movie after just nearly being killed in a cave, seems really weird. And the movie he chose to go to doesn’t really add to the story in any way. It just seems totally out of place. Unless, he like killed the teenage girls in the theater, or something. It just seems like a wasted scene.

And the last nit picky detail is that if he had just caused that much destruction the night before, they wouldn’t be able to count the dead. Especially down to that detail. They’d round up. Or they’d just say countless dead. In that sort of chaotic situation, a true count wouldn’t happen until many weeks later.

However, despite my few issues with the story- it’s still done very well. You succeeded officially in spooking me. And for that, I’d say job well done.

Have a very nice holiday season. I hope that you keep writing and perhaps we will run into each other again in a future review!

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Two Hearts, One Soul by MidnightWishes2011

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560114/1/Two_Hearts_One_Soul

Dun dun dun! Epic foreshadowing maneuver, ho!

Anyway, on to the review.

I’m sad to hear that you don’t plan to write anymore fanfiction after this story. It’s a shame, but then again, writing isn’t always fun for everyone. I have a little sister who thinks I’m crazy. Her first and last fanfiction lasted a paragraph before she grew too bored to continue.

Because you don’t really intend to write much longer (or just not write fanfiction much longer) I’ll try to lay off the technical writing details. As I’m sure you don’t want or need them in something you just wrote for friends.

I am curious, however, to what this dance is for? School? Is it a prom? A birthday party? Sweet 16?

When the slow dance arrives, you say that everyone longing looks to the dance floor. But I’m pretty sure the boys don’t. Just saying.

Alice starts out the story with bad feelings about the night. This gives me flash backs to the horror that is Twilight. I’m hoping that you are referring to a friend Alice and not to the sparkly vampire kind. Hee hee. Either this Alice is just fatalistic or she’s sensitive to karmic (or literary, as they case may be) forces.

Tonio meets up with her and we receive the long awaited confession. Except for us, it’s not long awaited. It’s only the first chapter. So his confession seems... sweet. But we can’t appreciate it as much as someone on your side of written line could.

Alberto stands in the background glowering.

The song changes to Hide and Seek. “Oh what you say. That you always meant well, well of course you did. Oh what you say, that’s it’s all for the best...” By the end of the chorus, random people fall down dead in slow motion.

I guess Alice was right!

Sorry, SNL reference. It happens.

Ahem. Back to the story. So none of that actually happens except for the glowering Alberto bit. So far, these people are just names. I’m not really sure who everyone is. Maybe a description here and there for those of us who don’t know you IRL may help. But it’s only a suggestion.

It’s not so much of a fanfiction so far, as it is an original story. I assume that the pokemon bits will come up later on.

Sorry if I was a bit random in the review. I was hyper off of soda again. I do hope you have a fantastic holiday season. Keep writing, so long as it makes you happy! And maybe we’ll run into each other again.

Oh and don’t worry about the title. For most authors, the title is the last thing they decide on. Even after the whole story is written.

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Full Battle, 6-on-6! by Brock’s Geodude

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560221/1/Full_Battle_6on6

I want to start off with saying that it’s so refreshing to see a pokemon story with an actual pokemon battle in it! Surprisingly, they are rare in nature. And even when they are included they tend to be brief in nature, summarized, or completely scripted and without description. This one however has great description. It moves at a steady pace and is easy to follow.

I love that you have included the cannon characters along with the OC. Serena is a wonderful character. I love that she’s an adult pokemon trainer- restarting on her journey when her daughter had gone on her own. We rarely see these adult trainers, especially in fanfictions, and I’m glad that you decided to include one.

I like the pokedex entries. Though I am very familiar with the first 150, the last 300 or so pokemon are foreign to me. And the entries were a nice way to help me out. For that I thank you.

In all honesty, I don’t know how to help you improve this story- as I like it how it is. Happy holidays! Keep writing! And I hope to see more from you in the future.

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Crazy Posessive by Flaaffy

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560371/1/Crazy_Possesive

Wow. This came as a huge shock to me. Though I don’t know much about Anabel, save that she seemed to be a new love interest for Ash, I didn’t ever think she was... evil. She doesn’t look evil. Looks kind of like Hinata, all sweet and quiet. Innocent, as you had said. Now I have to rethink my way of looking at Hinata.

I’m shocked how quickly I was able to agree with you. This story leads into the confession of Anabel’s decaying sanity beautifully. It’s well written and the dialogue is excellent. Her hatred for Misty stemming off of not only her love for Ash, but her inability to see aura was well justified too. And Alakazam’s weak attempts at defusing her anger, to leave Misty alive, was very believable too. From a pokemon standpoint- a creature that just wants to please their master, it’s very believable.

I was deeply impressed by the image of Anabel’s bloodlust (the sunset’s glow) painting the room. I can see her slip into madness, and it’s deliciously addictive to read.

I love also her reasons for loving Ash. It reads as obsessive, but very powerful. The way he desensitizes her powers with a glance. I wonder if this will come to play in the future.

This is the kind of story I would have normally never read. But it’s also the kind of story, I am most certainly putting on my favorites and story alerts. Absolutely fantastic job. Thank you for the marvelous read.

Happy holidays! Keep writing and I’ll keep reading!

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The Mankey House by 2BfrankIMAhotdog

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560619/1/The_Mankey_House

This kind of reads like Alice in Wonderland. A lot of strange crap going down without a lot of explanation. I’m assuming this is a parody of pokemon. It works pretty well as one. The work place environment. The classic, “I won let’s kiss the nearest girl” scenario. And lawsuits against Brock’s obvious sexual harassment.

It’s well written and the dialogue is good too. There are occasional grammar issues but nothing too serious that it detracts from the story.

But I do have a few questions. How old is Ash at this point? Why exactly did that kiss upset May? Who are Juan and Drake? If Ash was made a champion so long ago, why didn’t he know about this strange place? And how come Ash wasn’t given a personality out of a hat?

First fanfics rarely go exactly the way we’d like them to- but this one was pretty good. I may come back and read the second chapter sometime again in the future.

I hope you have a fantastic holiday season. Keep writing!

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Turning Back Time by SilverPandaBear

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560854/1/Turning_Back_Time

Because you said you hadn’t wanted any criticism, it’s kind hard to leave a proper length review. I usually like to leave advice for any future writing, to help balance the review. But I can understand if you don’t want any. After all, I hadn’t wanted any when I first started writing either.

This story is simple and cute. It starts out very similar to Spirited Away. With a child laying in the back seat, complaining about how she doesn’t want to leave her old home. I kept imaging that she was holding a bouquet and complaining about how it was dying.

But then Hikari and Jun’s meet. And their meeting is adorable. All full of squished faces and car windows. Both characters stayed in character and the story while short- ended on a high note- foreshadowing their inevitable friendship.

We critical reviewers aren’t all scary, just so you know. Some of us really do just want to help. Don’t scare away from writing just because Farla wants you to. We all start somewhere. And each one of us are capable of improvement.

However, I will always respect an author’s wishes not to receive criticism. Sometimes, we just need time to improve and don’t want to get beaten down before we have the chance to blossom.

I hope you have a great holiday. Keep writing. And hopefully we will run into each other again in a future review.

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Soul by Larenzo177

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561521/1/Soul

I like the title. It’s simple but catchy.

So this is a story about Silver the son of Giovanni, huh? I had always thought Ash was the son of Giovanni- mostly in my demented daydreams. I always liked the idea because it seemed to me ironic.

Anyway, I don’t know much about the manga. I’m really only familiar with the first two parts. And I always get Green and Blue confused. Green is the Gary lookalike, right? Ugh. I’m not sure why I keep getting them confused all the time.

Despite my lack of knowledge of the fandom, I will still try to review this to the best of my ability. First off, I need to point out that your opening, while catchy, is a bit strange. Gold seems to be a bit of a spaz. I don’t know if he actually is a spaz- he might be. A lot of fanfics that I read with him in it- tend to paint him as an annoying and hyper little boy. So he probably is a spaz.

I’m not sure why Crystal randomly slaps him though. Is she a violent girl by nature? Is Misty there with them all? I’d expect she’d be the one to beat on Gold... or Red actually. She usually likes to beat on Red.

A slap is a bit dramatic. Maybe she should whack him upside the head instead. That’d be a bit less of a shock when you are starting out the story.

I’m surprised that Giovanni is sick. Was that part of the ending of the manga? I know that Red is supposedly paralyzed at some point but I hadn’t heard of Giovanni’s sickness. Not that it really matters if it were a part of the manga or not.

I actually think you should start the start the story with Silver if it’s going to be about Silver. And then you can include more about the dark figures watching him before you end the first chapter.

On the nitpicky side of things, there’s only one thing. The endings of your dialogue should pertain to the speaker not to the listener as it tends to cause confusion.

I hope you have a great holiday season. Keep writing. And maybe we’ll run into each other again in a future review!

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Yes, Virginia by The Random Protector

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561663/1/Yes_Virginia

This is a powerful and wonderfully written short fiction. Normally an idea like this would be kinda cheesy and the message unbearably sappy. I know, I’ve written one of those.

But this one however, is none of that. It’s touching- giving Christmas to the lost and wounded wanderer that is Mewtwo. And it’s not about presents or the magic of Santa Claus. But in the beauty that is in giving. And you captured that perfectly. With both the reading from the Polar Express and what I guess is an excerpt from Yes, Virginia.

Though it has not necessarily made Mewtwo forgive humans. It has given him a means of trust and understanding. And perhaps brought a bit of warmth to his lonely isolation.

I have to add this to my favorites. I loved it too dearly.

Thank you for the charming little Christmas story. I hope your holiday season is wonderful. Keep writing and I’ll certainly keep reading.

P.S. Don't listen to Farla. She may have a good point every now and then. But in the long run she wouldn't know a good story if it beat her in the face. And she goes into every review she gives thinking how to leave the nastiest comments about the story. I've never seen her leave a nice review. Except once, to say "well I guess this story is okay."

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The Present by Mistress Koko

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562069/1/The_Present

It’s so nice of you to write out a story for your friend as a Christmas present. I know I would have a hard time writing a request like that. Though I had written a story for my cousin as a birthday present, at least it was still something that I normally would write. I don’t even know what a MorpheusShipping is. Is Angie a real character from the show or is she an OC?

The story is pretty cute. The key chains are a nice touch.

I still think that her parents must completely pig out on gingerbread if Angie couldn’t ever get a piece.

A few nit picky things. The way Angie keeps flinching when she’s talking to her father or worried about him yelling at her, makes it seem like he’s... dare I say it, abusive. I know that’s probably totally unintentional. I just thought I’d let you know so you’re aware what first came to my mind when reading about him.

The XMAS dividers, while cute, are distracting. You might just want to go with a tradition divider- like the ones you use later on in the story.

Instead of saying crunch crunch a lot. You could just say that the snow crunched underfoot. Or something along those lines. The sounds really don’t mean much without explanation.

And maybe you should start the story when she finds the Pikachu keychain- as that is the main focus of the story. If you come in later- the story feels less top heavy, you know?

And be careful when you write out the notes. They sound more like dialogue than notes. Maybe just add some strike-throughs rather than having him write in I means, let me try this again.

Other than that, this story is cute and well done. I hope you have a fantastic Christmas and a happy new year! Keep writing! And maybe we’ll run into each other again in the future!

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The Many Paths to Victory by YamiRuss

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561928/1/The_Many_Paths_of_Victory

This story is much different from other OC stories I’ve read. Even though I don’t typically like it when stories are told through summary, you excelled in it. Because it was being told through first person, I felt like Jin was sitting in front of me- starting it off. I’m assuming that the rest of the story will be told in scene though, once we get the tournament started.

This is extremely interesting. I love the regions you created and the main character Jin is very complex and intriguing. Though I do wish I knew he was professor and baseball coach before the last sentence of the story. We were so focused on the sword play that this line at the end seems tacked on.

I don’t know what you have planned. But I had a similar problem of trying to figure out if I wanted to up the rating of my own story or not. And I had one of the pokemon murder the other, kinda brutally too. But I think it all just comes down to what you decide. So far, the T rating seems to fit.

I thought this was extremely well organized, planned, and executed. But I think you could write new characters better than any reviewer could introduce. It’s your choice however. Interactive fictions are fun activities. Just be careful, as I don’t know if Fanfiction.net still allows them to be written on this site.

Anyway, I think your story is off to a fantastic start. And I hope to see more from you in the future. Happy holidays!

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We Meet Again by Rise-Eternal-Night

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561860/1/We_Meet_Again

The title instantly brought to my mind, two burly men glowering at one another. And then one of them barks, “We meet again.... such and such.” Course I just read a story about a pokemon martial artist so it might be influencing my thought process at the moment.

Anyway! Onward into the story!

I’m not really that much of a fan of May but it’s nice to see a different side to her than the one I’ve always seen. You write well. For a first fanfic, it’s pretty good. I’ll just offer you some minor points.

First, show don’t tell. What I mean is that you shouldn’t summarize May’s events. Instead you should show them happening as if they were unfolding in front of you. We should see the moment her pokemon hatches. Watch one of her battles. We get some of the showing at the end with her return performance but not much before that.

Some dialogue between characters would be nice too. Maybe a fight that caused Max to want to go it alone?

The process of time in this story too, is a bit confusing. You say it was years that she last performed, but it felt like only a month or so ago that she was welcomed back home and then decided to head off again. Does that mean she spent years in that town alone?

You actually got me to kinda like May in this story. That’s no little feat. :D

Anyway, this story was interesting. And you did a good job telling it. I hope you have a fantastic holiday season! Keep writing! And hopefully, I will run into you again in a future review!

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Hope you all have a very happy holiday season. Tomorrow I will be working, but I'll try to post up at least one or two reviews before the night's end... hopefully. If not, see you Saturday!

Positive Reviews, Day Two

2009-12-09T06:39:05Z

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”
-Herm Albright

Before I start the reviews from today, I did get some responses from the reviews posted yesterday. And I'll post here what they said and my response.

"Thank you for the reviews. I'm sorry about the late reply. I was going to reply to your previous review earlier, but I'm in the middle of finals so my schedule hasn't been great. I have been trying to think of a way that I can change the beginning to make it more original, but so far I haven't gotten a solid idea.
When I originally created the story last year, the story started off with Ichiro losing in the finals of the Johto League Silver Conference and him being depressed over his loss. He leaves behind his pokemon in Johto before he travels to the Hoenn Region where he started his new journey. I feel like I should stick with this idea for my rewrite.
You're right, it is a lot more difficult to make stories with OC's since you have to let the reader know about the character instead of already expecting that they know what he's like. I will admit that I do tend to use dialogue to fill in more spaces than is within reason. That's something that I'm going to have to work on when it comes to all of my future stories.
I checked out your profile and it's obvious from your story stats that you've already established an impressive reputation. I'll be looking forward to reading some of your stories, most likely after finals are over.
I'm not sure what to do with the story at the moment... I'm thinking of rewriting the beginning and continuing from there, but I'll defintely have to take a few things into consideration and not rush into it.
Thanks again for your suggestions. I hope that you have a merry christmas and a happy new year too."

oh yes! that's a great beginning! you should definitely include it. Include the tail end of the battle too- where he starts to realize he's lost it. That would be a fantastic beginning.
i find stepping away from a story for awhile and then coming back to it, helps. that's how i cure most of my writer's blocks. is thinking about something else for awhile.
aw, don't make me blush. :D i've just been on http://www.fanfiction.net for too long is all.
good luck on your finals! I'm actually sad that i don't have those anymore. wish i could be back in school sometimes. maybe i should go back and get my masters... but the loans would kill me. ^^;
anyway, thanks for the response. it wasn't that late. once again i wish you happy holidays!

"Thanks, I'm trying to study as much as I can so I'll do well on them. Happy Holidays to you too!"

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"Thanks for your review of my story "Hate This Place". I had a few questions I'd like your opinion on if you don't mind answering. Would it be better if I took out the song lyrics and just posted a link to them or to the song? Would it be best just to use the songs as inspirations for longer one shots instead of just short songfics? Thanks!"

oh absolutely. i think that's a great idea.
i post a few lines a lyrics at the front of my chapters too so people see where the inspiration comes from. :D but a link to the song works well too.

I discovered that some of the stories I was reviewing had more chapters. Unfortunately I don't have time to give long reviews on every chapter of every story. If I really enjoy the story, I will make a note to return to it in the future. But I can't afford to waste all my energy on one author when there are others out there who need positive reinforcement too.

There isn't enough of me to go around! Oh noes!

Anyways, I did read the second chapter of a few of these next stories because the first chapter was simply a prologue. I don't think a prologue can accurately portray what will happen in the rest of the story. Especially if they are very short. So I made sure to read and review the next chapter. But that's the reason I left two reviews on the same story.

Unfortunately I do take longer with these reviews. I write notes while reading and then uniquely write them their own personal review. I'm not copy and pasting at all, and I refuse to. I don't think it's fair to the authors.

Ice and Change by radiantsilverfire

http://radiantsilverfire.deviantart.com/art/Ice-and-Change-145828208

The title is oddly appropriate. David goes through a very intense and rapid change into a very different being. A ice being. It’s simple but it works.

You have really good description and the overall idea is very intriguing. You can really do a lot with it. Although I don’t typically like anthro- metaphoric stories, some of the ones I have read have been very well written. It’s a popular topic within the pokemon genre. But I personally, never wanted to write one. Probably because of the creepiness factor- the idea of tails or wings sprouting out of you inexplicably. It grossed me out. That’s probably why in Blind Alley, I introduced the concept of Ash changing when taking in Mew’s soul. However it’s not a physical change. He doesn’t turn into a Mew. He doesn’t grow a tail or turn a deeper shade of pink. It’s an internal change. A change of power and a change of knowledge. He becomes something like a pokemon and yet not quite. As his appearance and most of his mental capacity remaining human.

But your story is very much hinged on the physical change. However I do feel that more of a mental change needs to happen within David. He seems to accept everything that happens to him with stride. Not even hesitating to question the fact that his outward appearance has changed or that a strange rock is on his bed. I wanted moments in which David just goes “what the hell is going on?” David should have woken up when the lugia hatched and had a freakin panic attack. I don’t know about you, but I woke up suddenly feeling something in my shirt I wouldn’t think “Oh yeah. It’s the rock, it must have hatched.” I would think “Holy shit there’s something my shirt!!!”

I like how you introduced the conflict of money early on. But after that we get little to no interaction with his human life. What happened to his adopted parents? What about his landlords? You mention this being a small town he lives in but yet no one drops by and asks “David, what the hell happened to you?”

And I think you really need that human interaction. David needs to talk to someone. Maybe he has a roommate. Or maybe he has an adopted brother or sister. How does he react when they see him? Does he try to cover up Fayt’s existence? Or does he run to them asking for help?

And what did the narrator look like before he changed? Was he considered an attractive human? Was he a college bum? Punk? Goth? Did he like to listen to rock music? Was he an artist? How did he make his living? As a store clerk? Dog groomer? Did he work at a toy store? Did he have to cancel his shifts because he was busy taking care of this strange hatchling.

The dream with the parents was a bit strange. The way that it was handled made it sound like David had been abducted and then impregnated. Probably not the best conclusion you wanted me to reach, but that’s what I thought had happened. Maybe if you made David freak out a bit more. Maybe if he tries to get away from them. Or if they don’t say something weird like they did that lead me to believe that they had just... and I hate to say this but- that they had just raped him. Maybe there’s a better way to write this dream so it does seem so... suggestive.

I like how you describe the egg and how it hatched. The name Fayt too sounds like Faith. I don’t know if that was intentional or not but it was very cute. And it tied in well. As she did in a sense become his faith.

But we should get the scene when he comes up with the name. He said he came up with it at the store. We were there in the store with him but we didn’t see him come up with it. Made me think he was lying.

Throughout the first half of the story we are only getting they ate and then they slept and then they ate and then they slept. That’s why I say introduce a roommate or a sibling. Or his parents. Get someone in there to fill in the blanks.

Foreshadowing too, could be used before all this egg stuff goes down. Maybe he thinks back to the day of his adoption while he’s shuffling through the tabloids at the grocery store check out. Maybe it’s the anniversary of his adoption- his birthday. And he’s wondering why he can’t remember what happened before. Maybe he notices some crystals in the window and thinks they look like small eggs hatching. Something that leads into the great change that occurs later.

You foreshadow some with the pokemon cards. But not enough. Maybe he buys some of those cards at the beginning of the story. Maybe that’s how you should start the story- he’s rummaging in his wallet trying to get out the correct change so he can buy the cards.

I wanted Fayt to actually wish to be like David. David still looks moderately human. Maybe when he goes out he should wear dark hoodies or try to dye his hair. If David is all Fayt knows- maybe she wishes she were human. And she despises that she’s not.

I was rather unhappy with the scene with the runaway van. Giant metal deathtrap doesn’t sound like a van to me. Sounds like a inanimate chain chomp rolling down the hill at a high speed. And the whole idea of a van nearly killing David... eh- just not that exciting. After Twilight butchered the whole saving person from crushing van thing- I’d rather like a different scenario.

Maybe David gets mugged. Maybe the man tries to shank David- hurts him and Fayt finds out and tries to kill the man. Maybe she does? That would add conflict. Maybe some people witness his violent murder and that how the SWAT team starts in on them.

Has David ever gone swimming with Fayt. When did he discover she liked water?

I like how he embraces his dragon half. But his reluctance to accept the dragon was great. It seemed very really and very human. I wish he didn’t cave so quickly. He should say hell no a bit longer.

The idea of an empath was great. You explained it well too. I wonder if David could feel emotional pain as well. But we didn’t get much about the dragon society. I wanted to know more. Why did they rely so heavily on him? How did the plague start? How exactly did he break under the pressure? Did his family get sick? Did he get sick- unable to cure them?

The scene where he ripped off his own wings was powerful. But we should have had more. It was so incredibly powerful that I wanted more. He’s ripping on his own freakin’ wings. Talk about traumatizing!

The rest of the story is good. Rescuing Fayt. Deciding to go find the rider or whatnot. The ice wings were a nice touch as well. But I really think you could take this idea and truly expand it into something amazing and touching.

A few nit picky things I noticed. You summarize a bit too much. Try putting more stuff in action. And don’t circle your summary- I mean like don’t over explain things that are rather quite simple.

The opening is a bit vague. It should really capture our intention immediately. Like him struggling to pay for the pokemon cards and finding he’s twenty six cents short. It’s a minor conflict- but we’ll be interested in it. And it will lead into other things.

Try reading your dialogue out loud too. Sometimes it’s a bit too stiff- mostly because the first half of the story David is talking to himself. And don’t push exposition in your dialogue. Try not to make David tell the story for you.

“Gasped in amazement, Scratched head in confusion”- they are kind of redundant statements. He could just gasp. Or just scratch his head. We’ll know that it’s in amazement or confusion. It’s sort of like saying “he cried in sadness”. Just not necessary. If you’re crying we figure you are sad. Unless you are crying for joy- which would work, as crying for joy would be unusual.

Anyway, this is mostly just my opinion. So don’t take it too much to heart. I just offering a helpful suggestions to help add some more depth in the story. As it is right now, it is a nice story. The characters are real. The story is creative and unique. But I think you could add so much more to it. Really make this story shine like a diamond in the rough.

I wish you and your best, happy holidays. And I hope to see more from you in the future!

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Title To Be Changed by Anubis46545

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559580/1/Title_To_Be_Changed

It kinda bugs me when authors post up stories that don’t have titles yet. You could just post up a makeshift title and put in the author’s note that you haven’t decided yet. As it is right now, it looks kinda lazy and looks bad on you. You need to really sell yourself to your readers and not having a title just kinda lets your potential reader’s down.

You started out the story interesting enough though a better opening could probably be found. Maybe an explanation for her injury. But really- we get barely a few sentences in and you’re done.

Not another one. :(

Why didn’t you write more? I mean you seemed to have something interesting started but this barely works out as a chapter. I’ve only just briefly been introduced to these characters and then... nothing.

It just doesn’t work very well as prologue. It needs to be a bit longer, unfortunately. But I’ll keep reading on and maybe your other chapters will be longer.

I can’t give you much advice yet since you haven’t seem to have written much. But so far, it looks interesting enough. For an OC story at least.

I do hope you have a good holiday season. Keep writing, and I’ll keep reading!

Chapter Two:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559580/2/Title_To_Be_Changed#

Not sure what the title poll is that you are talking about. It seems like an interesting way to go about giving a story a title. I prefer to name things myself- as if I asked others, they wouldn’t know what was meant to happen in the story and thus couldn’t be as good a judge as myself.

I would try to help you with a title, but this story seems like it would be hard to give a title. As it is so far, nothing stands out to me that’s title worthy. Maybe “Poison” or “Toxic”. I think “Needles” would be good to. I’d read a story titled Needles. :D

I’m a bit confused though. Is Kate a pokemon ranger? I assume she is because she has a stylist. But I thought from the prologue that she was an aspiring pokemon ranger... and why would someone try to kill her? How is she so important that they’d want to kill her. So far you paint pokemon rangers like super heroes rather than the pokemon environmentalists I thought they were. But then again, that one guy in the pokemon movie I didn’t like was pretty much like a super hero, I guess.

You joke about the needles as if this has happened before. It hasn’t in this story but I guess you have other stories of Kate? Is this a sequel? Or a running series you have going about your OC? Is she fighting TR is that why people are out to kill her?

Anyway, I still want to know how she got injured before. And I wish we started with that mission because it would have been nice to see. But I suspect that it was in another story and not this one.

A few nitpicky things I’d like to add. Try not to have scene directions (ie. two hours later) as that’s more for like script writing than it is for stories. You could write out a sentence, And then two hours later... it’s not the best transition but it’s better than a scene direction.

You have strange paragraph breaks where you clump the dialogue together. I wonder if that’s just a stylistic choice or if your word document is messing you up.

Be careful- sometimes your dialogue is a bit stiff. Try to read it out loud and see if you can make it flow more naturally.

And, at the time of the attack, I was confused because I thought Keith was attacking her. You might as well given the stranger a name if you went into his POV. Otherwise, readers might (I say might because it might just be me reading this wrong) attribute the he as being a direction from the previous sentence of Keith acting strange.

If Keith were unconscious, maybe you should have had Kate think he was sleeping.

I laughed at the end with the line “He missed”. Very cute. I hope you keep writing. This wasn’t half bad. I was really interested in the action bit. I just wish I knew what was going on better. Kate and Keith sound like a cute couple and their personalities are done well.

I hope you have a fantastic holiday season. Keep writing. And I hope to see more from you in the future.

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Snowy Day Kiss by Twilight Smash

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559593/1/Snowy_Day_Kiss

Though I’m not a May and Ash fan- this short story was cute. I’m not sure why you opted for the lyric poem type. I guess that made it a bit more unique.

I know this just a short story and it’s just called the Snowy Day Kiss (very cute title by the way)- but it kinda... falls a little short somehow. Probably because it is so short. Maybe if you fleshed it out a bit more- you could really make it stand on its own. Right now it just seems sort of... well short. And unexplained. What lead up to the kiss? Are Ash and May already a couple in this? Where are they? Did the snow come out of nowhere? Is it the holidays?

It’d be nice if we got a bit more to work as foundation. It’s good as it stand right now. I just think it could be better with something more added.

I do hope that you keep writing. Happy holidays! And maybe I’ll see something by you in the future!

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A Golden Sunset by Waveripple of Team Sunrise

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559876/1/A_Golden_Sunset

I assumed from the title that I’d be reading some kind of tragic romance. But apparently that is not the case and I thank you for that.

Anyway, this little prologue is very interesting. I’m assuming this story will be some sort of follow up of the mystery dungeon games. Always makes a good story. We start off with the promise of a return. It sounds good. I wonder if this Ninetails is the evolved form of Jazz’s partner? And I wonder why she must change forms and join a new team? Is she being reincarnated?

“I do not know.”

Xatu, your fortune-telling powers are surprisingly lame. (Xatu: It is you, who is lame!)

Sorry. Yugioh Abridged quotes just sometimes pop out of me.

Anyway, although short, it looks like this is going to lead to a good story. I wish you inspiration and luck! Keep writing! Have a great holiday season! And I hope to see more from you in the future.

I may start in on the next chapter too- probably to give you a more proper review as of right now I am only staring at the prologue.

Chapter Two:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559876/2/A_Golden_Sunset

I liked the author’s note. I wish it were part of the story. It was simple but a very good opening. This character of yours seems pretty likable.

I think her reaction to the news of her being adopted was reasonable only if she had just recently had a fight with her parents. It seemed kind of strange. That she hears the news and suddenly decides to run away from home. Typically most adopted children who find out are still grateful to their adoptive parents but are reluctant to accept the birth parents into their life. Just because two people gave birth to you, does not necessarily make them your parents. Parents is more of a job then a birth right. And many people give up the position.

I also found it strange that her parents were talking about her being adopted, seemingly out of nowhere. If they were trying to keep it a secret from her- why would they be talking about it in the middle of the night for no reason? I think it would be more reasonable if she overheard a phone conversation between one of her adopted parents and then someone claiming to be a sibling or her real parents. That is unless she’s the child of a pokemon. In which case, I don’t think they’d pick up the phone and call.

Anyway, just so you know, if you want to make an interactive fiction- you need to be a bit more discreet about it. Unfortunately interactive fictions are no longer allowed on fanfiction.net and you could get suspended or banned for writing them. I know, as I had a story deleted for being a interactive fiction even when I had not been writing one.

I promise I’m not going to report you. But I just thought you should be aware of this fact. You need to be more careful. Do these profiles over an AIM chat or a forum. Right now, you might in trouble for writing it this way.

Anyway, you seem to have a good story here irregardless. I hope you have fun with the interactive part. I always wanted to participate in one of these.

Have a very merry Christmas and a happy new year!

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How to say Goodbye by Amberheart123

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560194/1/How_to_say_Goodbye

I love the title. It’s very intriguing. How do you say goodbye? But the real question is, to whom are we saying goodbye? And for how long? Forever? Is death separating them?

Maybe I should read on and find out.

This starts out great. Another mystery dungeon fanfiction, I’m guessing. But the love between the human transformed pokemon and the pokemon is... kinda creepy. I mean I guess I could understand if the pokemon liked her. But... I mean, wouldn’t that be like me falling in love with my dog? Ew. No offense meant. Anthro stories have a tendency not to sit well with me. But that’s just my opinion. Don’t take it personally.

Oh my god. A Twilight reference. Heh. You’re contradicting her, so I’ll forgive you.

“There are no words to describe how I feel about my end.”

But could you find some? I mean this story is really short. It started out so good too. I liked the idea of trying to accept her inevitable death. It’s very real and touching. And this story is How to say Goodbye. But they don’t say goodbye. They don’t even go about a means to. In fact they skip the goodbyes all together.

And... what happened in the battle? I’ve never finished the game so I don’t know. And what pokemon were you? And what pokemon was firestar? These are things that would have been nice to see and know. You have a great idea for a story here, you just needed to write a little longer.

I wish you and your best, a very merry Christmas and a happy new year! Keep writing!

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How me and my OCs almost ruined Chirstmas by The Bookmaster

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561760/1/How_Me_and_My_OCs_Almost_Ruined_Christmas

Aw man. I wrote one of these once. Good times, good times.

But this seems more like an original fiction. It doesn’t seem to have any hint of pokemon in it, except for the reindeer. Maybe you should just change the reindeer back into regular reindeer and make this into an original story rather than a fanfiction. :)

Just a thought.

Hope you have a merry Christmas. And that Santa doesn’t get too mad at you for blowing him up.

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Emerald Eyes by Svay

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559704/1/Emerald_Eyes

The descriptive scenes in this story played out seamlessly. Though the opening was not as catchy as it could be, the story over all is extremely well written and well executed. I could see what was happening as if it were being played out like a film. Very nicely done. I’m impressed!

However, it does seem like this story will take an almost annoyingly similar stance as the first movie. And that kinda disappointed me. Maybe if you could make it... um, a little more different. Play on Alana’s love of flowers. But I really hope Alana doesn’t try the whole destroy the world thing again...

I am a bit conflicted about this though. As I would like Ash to meet the new Mewthree. But I’m not sure if you are even planning to take it that way. It might be good if you didn’t.

Still, I like this story thus far. It’s very intriguing.

The only part I did a double take was this line “...small assets that sprouted from her chest.” Mewthree has breasts?

Anyway, you write beautiful stories! I hope you will keep writing and that I will run into more of your work in the future. Have a very happy holiday season!

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The Life and Times of Wigglytuff by Waveripple of Team Sunrise

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559760/1/The_Life_and_Times_of_Wigglytuff

Oh hello again. I guess I’ll be reviewing another of your stories today.

I really do like this idea. Wigglytuff was always a mysterious figure to me in the mystery dungeon games and I wondered where he might have come from. I do like your interpetion even if at first I was shocked that you killed Wigglytuff’s mother. Do we get any indication of a father figure? I think that would be an interesting insight.

I’m confused why the other kid pokemon would not like to hang around Wigglytuff after his mother’s death. Does he whine about his mom a lot? I’m not sure if I’m getting the full story here- as they don’t seem to isolate any of his siblings.

And I’m thinking Wigglytuff is a Jigglypuff at this point but it would have been nice to know about this a bit sooner.

The passage of time is a bit too quick. I’ve lost track and now it seems like they’ve managed to do everything in this chapter in a matter of days. Why would they enter a guild just to graduate from it the next day? It seems a bit strange.

We have more scene directions that can be switched out for dividers. But I think you’d need to add a bit more in explaining the transition. As a simple divider won’t necessarily clear up confusion.

Buneary is easily my favorite character. Mostly just for the line “OMG I’M GONNA DIE! I’M GONNA DIE UNDER A FREAKIN’ LOG!!!” I may have exaggerated a bit but it just made me crack up. Buneary is very fatalistic. I think I may add a fatalistic pokemon into one of my fanfictions. Just freakin’ hilarious.

Maybe I should have an OCD pokemon too. :D MONK~!

Ahem. Anyway, is Kirla a pokemon? I’ve never heard of it but then I’m not really... keeping track of the new pokemon. So I’m probably just not recognizing it.

Milktank appears to be a lot less stingy than Wigglytuff in terms of money. So what made Wigglytuff become such a tightwad? I hope you include that in your story. It would be interesting to find out. Maybe Milktank’s guild goes belly up because they don’t have sufficient funds. And the tragedy of such has made Wigglytuff a tightwad ever since.

There are a few spelling and grammar errors but they aren’t really that distracting. The action sequence is a bit confusing however. Only slightly though. Most of it was clear. Just bits and pieces of it came out unclear.

And of course,

“Wow!” I shout as Milktank sent me flying. “She stronger than I thought!”

I just imagined a Jigglypuff flying through the air over their heads, saying this rather nonchalantly. It brings forth a very funny image and I just can’t help but laugh.

Anyway, I hope you have a very merry holiday. Keep writing. And who knows, I might read another of your stories in the future.

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And again, if you would like me to review your story, just leave a link in your comment and I'll be sure to get started on it before I start down my line up of fanfics.

Positive Reviews, Day One

2009-12-08T07:20:48Z

"On the mountains of truth you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

For those following me on DA, I've started a campaign to combat the negativity spreading through fanfiction.net. Since I can't stop those who would write nasty reviews and chase would-be writers, I decided to start my own brand of reviewing. Positive critical reviews. So this December, I am wandering fanfiction.net, posting as many positive reviews as I can and encouraging others to do the same.

I've started with the stories that have been hit by the reviewer who has been using the holiday season to start to her 900 negative review parade. And hopefully, my reviews will help cheer them up if they were upset by the other reviewer, and encourage them to keep writing! :)

Secrets by fujin of shadows

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558653/1/Secrets

I meant to review your story properly, but I'm afraid I wasted my chance in telling you about Farla.

I wish I could actually post this on your review section- to give you a kinder review, but I messed that up.

So instead I'll leave my review for you here.

First off, I'll let you know that I love Ash. And you did an excellent job portraying him. His childishness and his pride. All accurate and accounted for.

I love the title. It's simple but it means a lot. And I think it works for the story- perfectly encompassing it all in one tiny neat word.

I do wish that you had mentioned Elena's name up front, as the majority of us, do not know her and thus it is not real shock twist when you release her name at the end. He knows what her name is. The story is being told mostly through Ash, so we should know her name as well.

Elena is described as having white hair. White is an unusual color so you should push that description. Like white how? Snowy? Icy? Silver? Does it look frothy? Curly? Straight? How is Elena beautiful to Ash? The shape of her face? Long neck? Pretty eyes? Fantastic curves?

And when Ash misses her does he miss her laugh? Her smile? Her hair? Her breasts or her butt (well he is a boy, isn't he)? And if you want this to seem more than just a shallow relationship with little chemistry, which I think you do by your author's note- really show us how they met. What they have in common. What they like to do together besides kissing. Can she swim? Do they go skinny dipping (boy again. just saying)? Do they like to dance together? Does she have a nice voice? Show us a training montage between them. That would be interesting.

You say passion a bit to much. I think that's because you are searching for the words. Describe the passion. Does he run his hands through her hair? Forget to breathe when he kisses her? Explore her body with his hands (again... this is a young boy we are talking about)?

The lockets you describe sound beautiful. One appearing like wings and the other like a cross. I really wish you could embellish upon them some more. I was really interested in their significance. Are they bond to each other? Are they handing off something like wedding or promise rings to each other in the form of lockets? Or are they supernatural in nature? Will now their hearts be forcefully bond together? Is Elena actually a villain in disguise leading Ash into some nefarious plot? And now he's bound to her, subject to her will? It can go many ways. You've got me intrigued.

I like how she calls him "my prince". It's both touching and kind of creepy at the same time. As you can tell, I'm still leaning towards the villain scenario. I'm so sorry if that's not the case though. I just love sadistic bad guys. Especially female bad guys. They seem to be the most vindictive and effective villains.

As we go further into the story I realize that the prince phrase isn't necessarily meant as just a term of affection. Ash actually appears to be some sort of prince. And Aura prince. Which while I have no idea what an Aura prince is, though I suspect it has something to do with the Lucario movie, it sounds totally awesome. Turns out it IS really awesome, as you start introduce that Ash has some super powers. Wow... that's so cool. I love it! I really love how the powers seem to effect Pikachu as well. Healing aura is introduced, which is a nice touch.
And then you explain briefly why Ash had difficultly using offensive attacks.

Oh I want to thank you for have pikachu actually speak in the story. It sucks trying to get past the pika pikas sometimes. Much nicer when he just talks.

It's just a brief mention but it caught my eye. So it's like because he has so much massive aura, it's hard to condense it in such a way that he can expel it from himself. But yet he can shield well enough. It's just the attacks that cause him problems. Can he not shape the aura properly? Is he like Naruto with too much charka to handle? Or is it a psychological factor? That Ash is in fact not a violent person and can not quite bring himself to induce harm of the metaphysical kind?

Oh don't describe Ash's meetings with the girl as "that time of the month". It sounds like Ash has a male version of a menstrual cycle. Gah. Scary. Instead try to say something like "He's acting funny again" or "I guess it's that time again."

You introduce Acerus as a girl. Which I assume this story was written before the latest movie came out so you weren't quite aware of Acerus' gender yet. But I personally like the idea of Acerus being a girl. His voice in the movie was kinda gay. And I always assumed that Acerus was female- the mother of the pokemon race. So this interpetation is nice.

Let me just add, that I love how the eighth movie is included. The time flower is a fantastic addition. You know we all wanted Ash to learn more about Aura. It's awesome to see that I'm not alone in my rewrites of the movie. I do wish you would explain how Ash trains with a time flower. Does Lucario's essence appear out of the flower to train him like Yoda? Does the time flower throw Ash into training scenerios to act out? And aura can show emotions that Pikachu can see. How very inventive, I like.

Pikachu's attack, the dark spark. Kickass name. But I wanna see what it does. All I know for sure is that it's dangerous.

But through all of this, I do have some important questions to ask you.

Who is Koyuki? A pokemon? Is she the white lucario that is hanging around?

How old is Ash? And how old is this girlfriend? At the moment it sounds like Ash is merely a child dating a grown woman. It's kinda creepy actually. You might want to address that.

Why does Ash need to keep his girlfriend secret? Who is she? Is she also an aura guardian? Why does Ash feel the need to train her? Does the white Lucario train Ash? How and where did they meet? You mention an accident but it isn't explained. Did pikachu blow up her bike too?

Why do they need to separate? Why don't they just text each other or call more often?

Why does Ash love her? And does he? So far, I can only tell that he seems to feel passionate about kissing her. And she him.

Why does the Lucario refer to Ash as father and Elena as mother? Why does pikachu refer to Ash as brother?

And why doesn't Dawn just confess her feelings for Ash? And is there any way you can think of to show her crush on Ash? Like does she stare at him while he's by the campfire? Try to peek on him when he's getting dressed in the morning (I'm not sure if Dawn would do this. I haven't watched Pokemon since Johto Leagues). Does she gussy herself up whenever she's near him? Can we see how she flirts with him? Does she laugh too much when he says things? All signs pointing to a crush.

You do have a few typos here. Nothing that a few once overs or a beta reader wouldn't help fix. Try to stay in one tense when you write. Avoid scene directions like (end flashback) or (scene changes) if you just put in three xxx we can tell that it's a scene change and it's a little less jarring. Another thing that would be a bit less jarring is to use italics where you use bold. It makes it seem more like they are drawing out the word rather than just saying it louder.

Try not to use dialogue to push your exposition. For example, don't have your characters start saying what you should be telling us instead. Like the pokemon he caught that the rest of them didn't know about. Elena and Ash probably wouldn't say that to each other if they already knew it.

And try to make your dialogue sound a bit more natural. It's hard but if you start reading it out loud and practice, it should come more naturally. Right now your dialogue seem a bit archaic. Which makes Elena's and Ash's relationship seem like it were being performed on stage rather than being a private moment between just the two of them. But I understand it will take time to get used to hearing the dialogue change- so don't feel overwhelmed...

.. if it doesn't come to you right away. It took me several years to start developing a better voice for my characters and they still don't always come out right.

And don't feel the need to insert little author notes in the story. We figure you'll introduce Elena at the end so there wasn't really a need to tell us so. And we kinda figured after the first time that Dawn had a crush on Ash.

I do have a few more questions to ask you though. When you say Ash is training in the middle of the lake, did that mean he was underwater? And if that was the case, we should have really been front seat to that training sequence.

Why do they face fall when Ash asked them if there were something on his face?

What musical instrument can Ash play? Did you invent it? Or is it a real instrument? Please say flute! That would be nifty.

When pikachu says, "he only asks mature when she's around, not that I could blame him" what does that mean? She only like his maturity? She makes him mature? He has to be mature for her? Is pikachu attracted to Elena too? I'm confused.

And last but not least,

“But at least I was able to master my ability.” “(That’s a low blow, Ash).”

That was awesome. Loved that line. :D Wanted to add BURN to the end of it.

Anyway, I hope you have a fabulous holiday season! Please keep up your stories! You're doing fantastically. And I hope to see more of your work in the future!

The Elements of Hoenn by HeroGuardian

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558933/1/Pokemon_Ichiros_Chronicles#

I'm sorry that I wasted my review earlier. And unfortunately since you don't accept anonymous reviews, I can't post my review on your story.

So instead I'll post my review here.

It looks like you are rewriting the Gold and Silver games... I think. Either that or next set. I get them confused. It's an interesting concept, but I think you started too early in the story. You really need to catch us right off the bat. Maybe Ichiro is being attacked by a wild pokemon? Or maybe he and his "girlfriend" have gotten separated in the woods and now Ichiro is lost. Since most people reading a pokemon fic have already seen or played a pokemon game, this intro is nothing new. You need to add something new to really pull us in.

P.S. I love the name Ichiro. It's very cute.

I liked the point of mentioning the show- who would sleep in on a day like this? But again, sleeping in was an introduction of a flaw for Ash Ketchum. And a sort of explanation of Ash's character without having to write it down for us. He's passionate about becoming a pokemon master but he's also careless, clumsy and bit of an idiot. But because of these things we want to keep watching. What else will he screw up? How the heck is this kid supposed to survive out on his own? His pokemon doesn't even like him.

You need to ask yourself, what could go wrong and make it go wrong. We like it in stories with something bad happens. It makes things more interesting and it keeps us hooked. So start it off with something bad happening. Maybe he can't make the first day to get his pokemon because he's sick. Maybe he injured himself trying to catch a pokemon before he could legally obtain one. Maybe his rival turned ten before him- and already left. Leaving Ichiro desperately trying to follow.

Ask yourself, who is Ichiro? What does he want? To be friends with his rival again? What are his immediate goals? What are his flaws? Is he easily excitable? It is to impulsive? Is a brash hero? Does he jump to conclusions?

I know these questions can be hard, but because this is an OC story you have to work a bit harder than most fanfiction writers. Since I work with the cannon characters- I already have a connection to the reviewers. They know Ash, Misty and Pikachu. And I'm just reaffirming what they know. You however have to introduce us to your characters. And it's much harder. I've been struggling with my novels for years trying to get it right, I know.

I love Ichiro's mother. She's adorable. And Ichiro's rival too, is a nice addition. But I still feel like we are only getting half of the story so far. Why does Ichiro's rival start avoiding Ichiro? Was it sudden or was it gradual. The flashback seemed to make it sudden. If this was a gradual change you should put some indication in. like ichiro asking why he never plays with them anymore? or why is he so obsessed with pokemon lately? unless, of course, he did change overnight. in which case, the flashback works as is.

on a nitty gritty english major standpoint, there are a few things i'd like to point out. one being that dialogue tends to be a bit forced in places. it's not bad, just a bit stale. try reading it out loud to bring back the natural flow. you're really very close to getting there, it's just not quite there yet.

for example, the mother calling Ichiro kid was a bit strange. it could very well be that she refers to him that way. but i didn't expect it and it sounded strange coming from her.

you also have a bit of a tendency to get carried away in the actions. you can just say that they hugged instead of that longwinded description of the hug. only give that sort of description when the action is of some sort of importance. like the person has a knife in their hand or they were just reunited after years of being separated. if they are just simply sharing a hug- then it's better just to say, and then they hugged.

the description of clothing too is a bit to listy. but that's just my personal opinion. I tend to ignore a list of what clothes people are wearing unless they tell it to me in a creative fashion. it's hard to do, as when we look at a person we see what they look like instantly. but in fiction, it feels like you are dragging the story down when you describe what they are wearing. I'm not saying you should describe what they are wearing- it's just that sometimes, you need to spice things up and introduce their apparel creatively.

the rival's name should be said sooner. because Ichiro knows his name, we should know it too since we are following him around.

overall, this story is very well written. you have creative names, a good setting, and a whole lot of promise! I hope that I'll see more from you in the future!

Have a very merry christmas and happy new year!

Hate this Place by Blackballon.m.94

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558953/1/Hate_This_Place

Although I don't particularly like songfics since they lead to a lot of summary and half the story isn't the author's work, I used to write them. So I while I don't like them any more, I understand the temptation to write them.

But the story in this was great. It really didn't need the song clogging it up. It does fine on its own.

I'm a diehard pokeshipper so, of course, I partial to the idea of this story. It's a bit overdone, but the conflict of pregnancy is dramatic enough to do with rewrites.

Though I do hope they are a lot older rather than just a bit older. This would be all kinds of awkward and difficult if Misty were like twelve or something.

You should really start this story with the words "Ash, I'm pregnant" or better yet "Ash, I'm late." Then the conflict is thrown right into our face in the beginning. We're hooked. We want to find out what happens. It's a great opening, and you already provided it for yourself in your work, just need to push it up to the first line.

Remember to space out your dialogue. Every time a new person speaks you should go down a line.

I find it hard to believe that Ash would propose to her right then and there. I think it'd be more likely that he'd walk away with the ring in his pocket going, why couldn't I say it? However I do like the idea of Ash wanting to stay with her. But not so much that he would want to get down on one knee right then and there. You seem to know this was weird as you had Ash defend his actions with "i'm not doing this because of the baby" but all i could think when he said that was that he WAS doing that for the baby.

I like how Misty was reluctant to say yes. But not so much that she did say yes. She should have said maybe. That would have thrown Ash for a loop. Then you could write out a really painful and emotionally wrought argument that would have been awesome to read.

I love the scene where Misty wakes up and she finds Ash gone and she has a panic attack. Almost enough to want you to start the story there. Except Ash inevitably comes back so it wouldn't work as an opening unless he didn't come back.

Overall, this story is well written and a compelling story. I just think it'd work much better without the song fic portion. But I'm opinionated about song fics, so don't take my word for it. Others would disagree with me of course.

I want to wish you happy holidays! Hope you keep writing! And maybe we'll run into each other again in the future!

oh mickey you’re so fine by manhattan

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559001/1/oh_mickey_youre_so_fine

Lawls. The title of this story just makes me think of Yugioh Abridged.

Hey dukie you're so fine! You're so fine you blow my mind! Hey Dukie! Hey Dukie!

Anyway... back on track.

this story has a great opening. and I mean that really. I mean, wow. i loved how Gold said, he realized it was more of a threat than a question. i really pulls us in and i was throughly impressed. excellent job there.

however, after that I get lost. there's so many names but there's no clear indication of where we are how many people are around and what exactly is going on. apparently someone is having their hair sucked on and now someone else won't be invited to a party...

i was kinda disappointed because it started out so well. but it's just too short! you need to continue it. give us more. because you truly have a great opening, interesting conflict but you just didn't write enough!

and that's easy enough to fix, right?

anyway, keep writing. happy holidays! and i hope to see more of your work in the future!

Barry's Jealous by IronwillshippingFOREVER

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559268/1/Barrys_Jealous#

Well uh. This story is really short. It's kinda got a nice ring to it. But I'm not sure exactly who the speaker is or what is really taking place.

Who is Marley? His new girlfriend? I'm confused.

This sounds like it would make a good folk song. But not really a good fanfic.

Why don't you try fleshing this story out. Give it more action and description. Right now we've only got the bare bones of something.

I will say however the dialogue is good. Except for the part where Dawn says she "bound already". I'm not sure who would say that in referring to their being engaged or married. It sounds like she's shackled or something.

But yeah, try fleshing this story out some more. You have something interesting here. I'd like to see where you take it.

Happy holidays to you and your best!

a pokemon christmas by TheQueenofanime

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559541/1/a_pokemon_christmas#

I hate to say it but this doesn't really merit a place on fanfiction.net. It's an interesting interpretation of a Christmas song, but I think this would be better put on a livejournal or a short journal entry on DA.

Because Jingle Bells is already a song, it's not like you made up a new song. You just changed a few words. It's interesting but not really a story.

I do hope that you decide to keep writing though. Have a merry Christmas and a happy new year!

Unfortunately my reviews kept getting shorter and shorter because I kept finding shorter and shorters stories. So I'm sorry if some of the reviews don't come out as long as others! Sometimes I just didn't have much to say about what was there! But I tried to be as fair as I could and as friendly as I could. I'm still learning to write good reviews myself. It's kinda like writing a story, writing a review. But I know how infinately precious a good review can be to an author. So it's my gift to you writers this christmas.

Six down. 94 more to go. If you would like me to review your story, please leave a comment here or on my DA page with a link to your story. I'll do my best to get to everyone who comments before I start on the stories I have lined up.

Happy holidays everyone!

Really Twi-Fans? Really?

2009-02-02T06:49:43Z

Grievance #2 ---> "Edward is a stalker!"
First off, no he is not. Secondly, even if he was, don't even try to tell me you would complain. It is Edward Freakin' Cullen. Umm, yes please!

Uh, no please. Even if Justin Bartha or Viggo Mortensen in his cowboy hat plastered themselves to my window at night, I'd still spray them in the face with pepper spray and then call the cops.

Mission Statement

2008-12-25T08:10:41Z

Our mission is to take over Australia, convert the entire continent into a cheese production factory, and enslave kangaroos to do our bidding as we further our dream of being able to genetically clone pink bunny rabbits. Legally. ‘Cause fuck, that’s cool. -TwilightSucks.com

Harry Potter Versus Twilight

2008-12-21T02:21:11Z

Silly Responses First

Sparkling Vampires! Batman!
Posted by: Robin

Twilight made me steal Christmas.
Posted by: The Grinch

Twilight is the reason I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I wasn't sparkly enough for her.
Posted by: Bill Clinton

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THESE MOTHERF*CKING VAMPIRES IN MY MOTHERF*CKING BOOKS!
Posted by: S. Jackson

Twilight is why you cry.
Posted by: The Terminator

Twilight is the bomb
If you hate twilight why don't you watch the movie and read the freaken book
I hate all of you who said Twilight sucks!!
Posted by: Edward Lover

Twilight is why I kissed a girl... and liked it.
Posted by: Kate Perry

I was going to throw Twilight at the President, but I accidentally grabbed my shoes instead.
Posted by: Muntadhar al-Zaiydi

Twilight put us in this recession.
Posted by: George W. Bush

Twilight made me kill everyone. Or maybe that was just my awesome strength.
Posted by: Chuck Norris

Twilight is the reason I'm still hiding!
Posted by: Osama Bin Laden

Twilight is the reason we're not really gay.
Posted by: t.A.T.u.

There is no twilight.
Posted by: The Matrix

Twilight took my eye.
Posted by: Roy Mustang

Twilight took my entire body! :( It's the reason my brother and I never hug.
Posted by: Alphonse Elric

I pity the fool who reads Twilight!
Posted by: Mr.T

I think anyone who likes Twilight should be boiled in their own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through their heart.
Posted by: Ebenezer Scrooge

Twilight is the reason I exist.
Posted by: Miley Cyrus

Twilight is why my plans to take over the world never succeed.
Posted by: The Brain

Twilight is not logical.
Posted by: Spock

I prefer the Series of Unfortunate Events.
Posted by: William Shakespeare

Twilight killed me.
Posted by: Dumbledore

Artemis Fowl gives both a monumental smackdown.  
Posted by: Professor Severus Snape

I use Twilight to attract children.
Posted by: Pedobear

Twilight takes more souls than I do.
Posted by: Davy Jones

Twilight told me to do it.
Posted by: The Boston Strangler

TWILIGHT SHALL NOT PASS!!!
Posted by: Gandalf

Even I can't believe Twilight.
Posted by: Uzumaki Naruto

Twilight Edward stole all of my fangirls :(
Posted by: Edward Elric

Twilight is so perfect, it sparkles perfectly in all it's sparkly perfection. And also it's cold. And sparkly.
Posted by: Stephenie Meyer

Now The Real Responses

twilight is like a really bad fanfic that just got published because it's a story that every girl wishes she was living.
Posted by: ki

Harry Potter wins because it actually has a PLOT. And strangely enough, plot is very important for a novel.
Posted by: AngryFace

Harry Potter > Twilight.
Dude, nothing happened in the first book, just a lot of oogling at Mr. Dangerous Sparkle Butt.
Posted by: ...

Mega Response of Doom/Win

Just one thing to say; Harry Potter doesn't need us PROVING that it's great; it proves that on its own... :)

Twilight is transparent; it's a pathetic, meaningless, redundant purple prose with ZERO complexity. You don't even need your thinking ability, there is no plot so you can actually link stuff, I've read the series, ALL of it and not once I went like "OH that's why she didn't have him explain why he didn't do that " or "OH that's why she said that vague thing earlier". While reading Twilight, I could've literally taken out my brain and still understood it.

Twilight is not as well known as Harry Potter; just point out round glassed or a lighting shaped scar, and see the first thing that comes to mind to the person you're asking, whether the person is a male, female, an adult, a teenager or a child, I am 100% sure that the person will say HARRY POTTER. I am perfectly sure that people across the globe know of Harry Potter more than Twilight, have you considered the number of fans it has, from Asia to America, and from the North Pole to the South Pole(even though it's an unpopulated region). While if you ask someone who lives in let's say Pakistan if they know about Twilight, I am sure they will say we know what twilight is, it's both the time before sunrise called dawn and the time after sunset called dusk!.

Twilight sorry to say, has no morals compared to Harry Potter. It's just a matter of the way you look into it, it's wrong to compare Stephanie Meyers to J.K Rowling because they have nothing in common, as J.K created a new different world, a world you can indulge yourself in where you can immerse your senses and unleash your imagination. Stephanie's work is something common, I guess there are a lot of references to human and vampire affection in many books, since vampires are known to be lustful and seductive. When people say that Stephanie is the new J.K; well I take it as wishful thinking as this can never happen, no matter what!

And like Kelsey said, Twilight has got a lesser number of sales compared to Harry Potter. Harry Potter sales are a lot more than you think Twilighters, Harry Potter is translated to more than 67 languages, it has films, video games, toys, clothes, a theme park, food (Chocolate frogs\Bertie Botts beans and more)... ETC. The books have sold more than 400 million copies worldwide, while Twilight only sold 25 million, you can see the VAST difference between them.

OK so Stephanie Mayer just dreamed about Twilight and started writing, she didn't plan her plot I'm sure of it, and mark my words this affected her plot severely. There are no subplots to keep you interested, there's only one plot and that plot revolves around Bella loving Edward, Edward loving Bella, Jacob loving Bella and Bella loving Jacob. Comparing Stephanie Meyer's plot to J.K Rowling's amazing plot is rather silly, because J.K created a new world filled with details beyond description, and do not forget her subplots, J.K's subplots are far more complex than Stephanie's main plot in the first place.

Do not get me started on Stephanie's style of writing, although some may find it good, it's very weak, she uses words too often and she writes three chapters each time she wants to describe how good looking Edward is, I started disliking the word 'smoldering' good lord, how many times did she use that ?!. Also she frequently adds a big word to simple sentences just to make it look more professional, and I honestly think that's what middle schoolers do, at least I used to do that in middle school. And as the first person style she used, well what is so fascinating about her writing in first person, I've recently discovered that it only makes the book longer and more boring, when she writes in first person she can add more details like this made up one here: "Bella smelled the amazing vapor of the hot water pouring from her shower mixed with her shampoo". I practically vomited at each and every sick, cheesy love scene she wrote, and of course the love sentences from Edward to Bella "My life was moonless before you..... Or whatever it was".
Now can Stephanie's style of writing compare to J.K's captivating, amazing writing ?! Firstly, J.K started her writing easy, so that six year olds can read her books, then the books developed as each and every fan grew, the books grew with them NOT losing the amazing captivity they possess. Secondly, J.K doesn't use words too often, she tends to vary her ways of describing something, and NONE of her dialogue lines where cheesy at all. Thirdly, did J.K ever write 3 long chapters on how Harry was the chosen one in each and every book ?! Alright I know that it was mentioned in each book, but she NEVER SAID more than "The boy who lived", see, a simple small sentence that takes only a tiny space in the book, not oh how perfect incredibly long paragraphs on Edward's smoldering golden eyes, amazing beauty or his sparkle.

Also don't forget that Stephanie's saga is basically for little 13 year olds who didn't read many books to be able to judge. But seriously, she stole her plot basically, now if any of the Twilighters ever read a classic book, or at least any OTHER book they'd understand what I mean!. Stephanie's plot isn't new; well I don't call human\vampire affection new that is used in so many books. Since vampires are known to be very seductive and lustful. So this means her plot is common, someone long ago had that idea, the idea was written in many other amazingly written books, so why waste the time and pathetically try to copy a plot in a very crappy way that makes the reader want to hurl ?! Now, tell me have you EVER read any other plot that has, even the slightest similarity to Harry Potter ?! No there are no plots like it; J.K worked 15 years on it!! 15 years for crying out loud! We have to appreciate her work, she not only made drafts, she made drafts for the drafts, now how can that NOT BE professional, and how can we not take that for granted ?! And look how her books turned out to be! Thank god her work paid off.

Of course when it comes to Stephanie's characters, well not all of them, but most, are very annoying and rather dimwitted, who would wish to relate to them. Starting with Bella, the sick dependent, whiny, dreamless, ambition-less pathetic, oh-I'm-going-to-die every three pages and no-one-notices-me type of girl, to the oh-so-perfect-god, the amazingly handsome, brilliant, obsessive, ABUSIVE Edward.. The only good character she has is Jacob! And he is the one I was referring to when I said "Not all of them". Of course that didn't last, she wrecked Jacob when she made him a pedophile, honestly imprinting Nessie, and it’s sickening. Now look at J.K's characters, NONE of them is useless, none of them was left behind, I could easily give up some of the characters from Stephanie's series, but Neville the one character we thought to be useless KILLED NAGINI, the Horcrux, that is character DEVELOPMENT. Severus, look at Snape, he's a masterpiece no character was ever as complex as he is!! Dumbledore, we all thought we knew him so well, then she surprises us with that amazing past, and complexity! Voldemort, even Voldemort the villain, he too is amazing, he is so complex, the way he became Voldemort is just enough to intrigue any reader!

Oh and what morals can you learn from Twilight ?! List ONE GOOD moral, just one and I'll back out, let me tell you what I learned from it:

1- Females are stupid, whiny and they should have no dreams or ambitions, they should lust the perfect man and that's it. Look at Bella, she PROVES that. 

2- You have two men fighting over you, then you have succeeded in becoming the perfect female, and may the dominant male win.. Like animals you see! Jacob and Edward fighting over precious Bella. 

3- You should forget your friends, your loved ones for this so called perfect man. Look at how Bella treats her friends, how she sulks around the house because oh so poor Bella doesn't have a boyfriend.

 4- Men should be abusive, controlling and obsessive to the point that they sabotage your car so you don't go out, to the point that they look at you when you're sleeping.. To these creepy points, that scares me just by reading them. Thank you Edward!

Now let me tell you what I learned from Harry Potter which I grew up with, and you tell me which book has better morals:

1- Be trustful.

 2- Care for your friends, family and loved ones. 

3- Love is important, you should know that it's one of the important essentials of life, no one and I mean NO ONE can live, if they're not loved. 

4- Be brave, you may be small, young, foolish and careless. BUT! You sure can do a change in life. 

5- Do not let anyone or anything, drive you away from doing what is right, what you believe in.

 6- Just look at the amazing, truly deep, meaningful things that Dumbledore says. Look at how many quotes you can take from his speech? 

7- Facing obstacles? Do not let that get you down, no! Go and try again and again and again, until you do it right.

 8- Study! It's important that you learn, not only learn how to 'fight evil' or 'magic unreal stuff' No! Learn and be eager for learning, sure they teach magical subjects in Hogwarts, but please, I have a brain and so do others.. That sends a message to all of us, saying learning is essential and most importantly you cannot live without it.

 8- Sacrifice, you must favour others, over yourself.  So which one has better morals?!

Don't get me started on Breaking Dawn, yes I read it.. It doesn't deserve to be called a book.
Posted by: Milo

P.S. Milo wins.

Master Roshi's Awesome Dance

2008-12-15T04:15:56Z

Most disturbing thing ever...

Quote of the Day

2008-12-03T17:56:08Z

"Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs."

...

2008-11-22T08:13:38Z

Ish home.

And my paid account died. So I'll be needing to get a new one... eventually.

Twilight Fans Look Away

2008-11-19T03:59:05Z

I'm not a fan of Twilight. But then again I don't like vampire books that much nor do I like sappy romances without merit. But I found this and about died laughing...

Watch this and this if you've never seen the Twilight teaser trailers. You'll also need to know that the author has written four books by the titles Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn.

And now read the hilarious spoofs:

Pockitsune: I'm gonna write a book... inspired by you called 'Dusk'
Pockitsune: My next novel will be entitled 'Waxing Crescent'
Pockitsune: Followed by "OMFG WHAR THE FUCK DID TEH MOON GO?!?!?!"
Christy: Would the last one be, "Shattering Sundown"?
Pockitsune: or "Breaking Wind"
Pockitsune: I smell worldwide bestseller

periwinknotpink: am i gonna be
periwinknotpink: like
periwinknotpink: TEH BELLA?
periwinknotpink: i say make me fall in love with a leprechaun.

"Their love was forbidden."
"What do you do... when you.. have a pot of gold... but no one to share it with...?"
"When all the shamrocks in the world... are meaningless... where do you find luck...?"

periwinknotpink: "Ay, Mattward. she's not one of uuuusss"

periwinknotpink: "hoow.. tall are you...?"
periwinknotpink: "2 feet..."
periwinknotpink: "how long have you been 2 feet..?"
periwinknotpink: " a while."

Christy: "I know what you are...
Christy: you're impossibly short
periwinknotpink: you're clothes.. are green..
periwinknotpink: you're always... dancing and skipping
Christy: your hair is fire-y red..."
periwinknotpink: "SAY IT OUT LOUD...SAY IT LASS!"
periwinknotpink: "leprechaun!"

periwinknotpink: "are you scurred?"
periwinknotpink: "no."
periwinknotpink: "you shouldnt have said that."
periwinknotpink: *drags and rides over the rainbow*

periwinknotpink: "i see.. you broguth a lucky charms for breeeeaaakfast"

Pockitsune: How far would this story get?
Pockitsune: He wouldn't be able to stop the van - it'd go right over him
periwinknotpink: he's snap his fingers
periwinknotpink: and magicaly transport me.
periwinknotpink: INSIDE the van.
periwinknotpink: omg

Source of lulz found here. And if you are a Twilight Fan... don't yell at me. I didn't crack these jokes. I just laughed at them... and then reposted them for more people to see. :D

Pretty Pretty

2008-11-18T15:11:02Z

First snow of the season (at least first snow that stuck). Didn't do much but it sure looks pretty. :)

Final Word

2008-11-13T21:21:11Z

Pritchard Hall has been reopened. Police have concluded their search and found no evidence of gunfire.

Police have interviewed witnesses who saw and heard people, possibly students, exploding something outside Pritchard Hall. Police have found evidence of cartridges from power actuated nailers used on construction sites. Police theorize that someone mechanically exploded the construction shells possibly by slamming the dumpster lid.

Oops

2008-11-13T19:54:25Z

At about 12:50 p.m. Thursday Virginia Tech Police Department received a report of sounds like gunfire in the vicinity of Pritchard Hall. Police immediately secured the building and began a floor by floor and room by room search. During the course of the investigation, eyewitnesses reported seeing people, possibly students exploding firecrackers or something else in or near a dumpster near Pritchard. Police have found no evidence of gunfire from within or outside the building and believe the noises likely came from something other than gunfire.

VT Alert

2008-11-13T19:19:50Z

Dear Residents:

As many of you are aware from the VT Alerts system, Pritchard Hall is closed as VT Police investigate a reported sound of gunshot(s) in Pritchard Hall. Please stay away from the area so that the Police can complete their investigation.

Paprika

2008-11-10T17:07:02Z

Really weird movie. Beautiful animation though.

Happy Hallow's Eve

2008-11-01T02:33:43Z

Yay. My costume this year rocks. All I have to do is whip off my sun glasses and people scatter.

P.S. I really hate pink eye.

Important Announcement

2008-10-29T12:51:00Z

EVERYONE!!!

I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU!!!

SAY NO TO PINK EYE!!!

...That is all.

Personal Statements

2008-10-25T21:43:40Z

Does anyone have any advice on how to write one?

Not Now

2008-10-07T13:21:36Z

I'm feeling worse. If going to Florida meant getting this cold, I'd rather not've gone.

More Later

2008-10-06T02:56:43Z

I'm home (at college) and alive (sorta)... more later.

My Favorite Commercial

2008-10-03T01:14:38Z

Road's End

2008-10-02T20:37:59Z

Here I am. In Florida.

Again...

Here We Go

2008-10-01T16:47:41Z

In five more hours, I'll be on my way down to Florida. Joy.

Kidnap the Gaara

2008-10-01T02:39:58Z

This movie used to give me nightmares as a kid. But I like this version.

Weekend

2008-09-29T05:07:58Z

Oh great.
Where did my weekend go?